[Flumpty]

This is the Joke of the Day Thread .. Add your own as & when and bring a smile to your day !!


OK I'll Kick off.............

Last Night I was "On a Promise" so I wandered into the kitchen to get my Liquid Viagra, it was dark & I hadn't got my glasses on ... I ended up drinking a whole bottle of TIPPEX .....................







This Morning I woke up with a huge CORRECTION !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I'll get me coat now !!!! ...... [Shuffles off with head hanging in shame]

[poyntonshark]

I’m going out with an English teacher, which is a bit awkward because she keeps correcting my grammar during sex. She’s particularly annoyed at my improper use of the colon.

[Flumpty]

Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking...

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean discovered survivors of a ship that just sunk. "Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark as he led him to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shite inside!"

[Flumpty]

I'm typing this while sitting in the A&E department waiting my turn.
I don't want to go into too much detail but the 'Dyson Ball Cleaner'
is a really misleading product name!

[DaveAitch]

I would welcome the detail! I hope things have gone okay, whatever the problem. I can't think of any way I can turn it into the joke of the day, so maybe it's no laughing matter.

[poyntonshark]

The couple next door have just made a sex tape… obviously, they don’t know that yet.

[Flumpty]

I bought a new guard dog yesterday.

It's useless, it lets anybody in.

Fu**ing UK Border Collie

[wrinklieshark]

With thanks to the late great Barry Cryer

Couple walking along the street, and she says to him- look at that chap on the other side of the road, he looks just like the Archbishop of Canterbury, go and ask him if he is.
So he goes across and says- Excuse me, but are you the Archbishop of Canterbury?
And the chap says F*** off!
So he goes back and she says - Well, is he? What did he say?
So he told her - He said F*** off!
And she says - Oh, that's a shame, now we'll never know.

[poyntonshark]

Why are murders so hard to solve in Somerset?

Because there are no dental records and all the DNA matches.

[Flumpty]

A cabbie picks up a Nun.


She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring at her.

He replies, 'I have a question to ask but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me.. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get to see and hear just about everything.
I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that:

1, you have to be single and

2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says,
'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'
'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfils his fantasy,with a kiss that would
make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'



The nun says, 'That's OK, I must confess too.
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a fancy dress party.

[wrinklieshark]

The manager in the local Sainsbury's sees a woman looking very puzzled in the fruit & veg department, so he asks her if she needs any help.
'I'm looking for the broccoli'
Oh I'm sorry, madam, we don't have any today. ...and off he goes.
He comes back after about 15 minutes and she's still there, still looking puzzled, so he asks again if he can help her, and she says she's looking for the broccoli, so he tells her again that they don't have any.
And after another 15 minutes, she's still there, asking where is the broccoli.
Manager says ' I don't think you are understanding me, let's try another solution. How is your spelling?'
It's very good, but how is that going to help?
Well, he says, could you spell 'cat' as in 'catastrophe?
C-A-T , she says.
Very good, madam, now how about 'Dog' as in Dogmatic?
D-O-G, is the answer.
Excellent madam! Now how about 'F***' as in Broccoli?
And she says, puzzled 'But there is no F*** in Broccoli!'

Exactly, Madam, which is what I've been trying to tell you for the last half hour!

with thanks to Henry Blofeld

[poyntonshark]

The poor man asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?"
The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes."
The poor man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?"
The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."
The poor man nods.
Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?"
The poor man thinks about it for a second and replies, "You know what? Two gifts is a good idea, I'll get her a pair of slippers and a dildo."
The rich man asks, "Why those two things?"
The poor man astutely responds, "That way, if she doesn't like the slippers she can go f*ck herself."

[Flumpty]

Why I fired my Secretary.

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.'

I thought..

Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning Boss,
and by the way Happy Birthday ! ' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked o n my door
and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.'

I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go !'

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?'

I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind ?'

She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, ' Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment.
I'll be right back.'

'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ... Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.


And I just sat there...



On the couch...



Naked.

[SSR]

With trepidation, an old favourite.

A woman walks into a bar and aks for a Double Entendre.
The barman gives her one.

[Flumpty]

Thanks everyone for your concern.


First off, I'm OK, I was a bit shaken up though.
For those of you that aren’t aware, I was robbed at the petrol station earlier this morning.
After my hands stopped trembling, I managed to call the Police.
They were quick to respond and calmed me down because my blood pressure went through the roof!
My money is gone however.
The police asked me if I knew who did it and I told them,
“Yes, it was pump number 2.”
__________________

[poyntonshark]

There are 10 types of people in the world.

Those who understand binary and those who don't.

[Flumpty]

I felt so sorry for the hypnotist i saw last night. He hypnotised 7 blokes then tripped over and said "**** me." What happened next will haunt me forever....

[poyntonshark]

There are 2 types of people in the world. Those who can extrapolate from incomplete datasets.

[Flumpty]

The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday.
The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take
advantage of the British government's 'Work for your
Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent
documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able
to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without
proper equipment whereas Ferrari's existing crew could
only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of
high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari
management team as most races are won and lost in the pits,
giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for! At the
crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse
pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds
but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and
sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a
bag of weed and some photos of Alonso's bird in the
shower!

[poyntonshark]

My penis was once in the Guinness Book of World Records.

But the librarian made me take it out.

[Flumpty]

Please note that with the arrival of the new "Drive-through" cash point machines in the UK, customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

To enable users to use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up.

Please read the procedure that applies to your own circumstances (i.e. MALE or FEMALE) and remember them for when you use the machine for the first time.

Male Procedure

1 Drive up to the cash machine.
2 Wind down your car window.
3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN
4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5 Remove card and receipt
6 Drive off


Female Procedure

1 Drive up to cash machine
2 Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine
3 Re-start the stalled engine
4 wind down the window
5 Find handbag, remove all contents on the passenger seat to locate card
6 Locate make-up bag and check make-up in rear view mirror
7 Attempt to insert card into machine
8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car
9 Insert card
10 Re-insert card the right way up
11 Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page
12 Enter PIN
13 Press cancel and enter correct PIN
14 Enter amount of cash required
15 Re-check make up in rear view mirror
16 Retrieve cash and receipt
17 Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside
18 Place receipt in back of cheque book
19 Check eyelashes in mirror
20 Drive forwards 2 metres
21 Reverse back to cash machine
22 Retrieve card
23 Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided
24 Restart stalled engine and pull off
25 Drive for 3 to 4 miles
26 Release hand brake

[Flumpty]

Father Jack O`Reily from the local Roman Catholic church has just been shaved by school children for the charity Children In Need.
When asked by the press how it felt he replied:

"Well sure at first it was a bit odd, but it does make my c.o.c.k look bigger".

[poyntonshark]

Sarah is at school, listening patiently in English class.
The teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
Sarah waves her hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!"
Miss Rogers says, "All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?"
Sarah says, "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Sarah, that's a mouthful."
Sarah says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

[Flumpty]

WARNING:

If you get an email telling you that you can contract swine flu from tinned pork delete it immediately, it`s SPAM.

[ShawShark]

Young lad goes for a job at a blacksmiths.

They ask him "have you ever shoed a horse"

He says "No but I've told a donkey to F*** off"

[Flumpty]

English man and Irish man are driving head on one night, on a twisty dark road. Both are driving to fast and crash on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Irish man goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of Jameson whiskey. He hands the bottle to the English man, whom exclaims,'' may the English and the Irish live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The English man then tips the bottle and lashes half of it down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Irish man, whom replies: '' no tanks, I'll just wait till the Police get here

[Basilbullneck]

Q: Why do you never trust a group of atoms hanging around together?

A: Because they make everything up.

[poyntonshark]

Minnie told Mickey she wanted to divorce him.
“Are you f*cking serious?” he asked.
“No. I’m f*cking Goofy!” Minnie replied.

[SixNineOne]

Build a man a fire and he stays warm for the night. Set a man on fire and he stays warm for the rest of his life... (Terry Pratchett)

[Flumpty]

The Wine taster…

At a wine merchant the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.

The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.

They gave him a glass to drink.

He tried it and said, "It's a Muscat, three Years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers". Low grade but acceptable.

"That's correct" said the boss.

Another glass....

"It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results."

"Correct."

A third glass...

''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive'' calmly said the drunk.

The director was astonished.

He winked at his secretary to suggest something.

She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine.

The alcoholic tried it.

"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if you don't give me the job, I'll name the father."

[Flumpty]

There is a great new sex position called Parcel force you can stay in all day and nobody comes

[poyntonshark]

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?"
Johnny says, "None."
The teacher asks, "Why?"
Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off."
The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking."
Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlour, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?"
The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream."
Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"


(The Parcel Force is called "Hiring a Tradie" in Aus)

[Flumpty]

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you.. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the
car to drive home, and this young
lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but
don't wear because you say they
are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,




'Please ..... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?

[Flumpty]

Irish authorities have announced today that they have uncovered a mass grave of dead snowmen.
Scietists have cast doubt on the find explaining that it`s nothing more than a field of carrots.

[poyntonshark]

A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!”
The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, “My mummy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”

[Flumpty]

The Lone Ranger's
Last Request


The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured
by an enemy Indian War Party.






The Indian Chief proclaims,






"So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger"...




"In honor of the Harvest Festival,
YOU will be executed in three days."

"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"

"What is your FIRST request?'

The Lone Ranger responds,
"I'd like to speak to my horse."



The Chief nods and Silver is brought
before the Lone Ranger who whispers in
Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with
a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches,
the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent
and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits
he's impressed.
"You have a very fine and loyal horse",



"But I will still kill you in two days."

"What is your SECOND request?"


The Lone Ranger again asks to speak
to his horse.



Silver is brought to him,
and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off and disappears
over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise,
Silver again returns,
this time with a voluptuous brunette,
more attractive than the blonde.



She enters the Lone Rangers tent
and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief
is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents,"



"But I will still kill you tomorrow."

"What is your LAST request?"

The Lone Ranger responds,

"I'd like to speak to my horse...alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees,
and Silver is brought to
the Lone Ranger's tent.





Once they're alone,
the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears,
looks him square in the eye and says,

Listen Very Carefully!!!FOR...THE...LAST...TIME...


"BRING POSSE!"

[Flumpty]

Adult Scrabble.......................................... .......................

Rearrange the letter's to spell out an important part of the human body which is even more important when erect.






P N E S I





People who wrote "spine",became doctor's.


The rest are sadly the sort of people that make up my friend,s!!.

[poyntonshark]

"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled.
"I'm so wet, give it to me now!"


She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.

[Flumpty]

An English doctor is being shown around a Scottish hospital. he is shown round the Coronary unit and the weight management clinic , the substance abuse clinic and is impressed with the work being done

At the end of his visit, he is shown into a ward with a number of patients who show no obvious signs of injury. He goes to examine the first patient he sees, and the man proclaims:

"Fair fa' yer honest, sonsie face,
Great chieftain o' the puddin' race!"

The English doctor, somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient, and immediately the patient launches into:

"Some hae meat and canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it."

This continues with the next patient:

"Wee sleekit cow'rin tim'rous beastie,
O what a panic's in thy breastie!"

"Well," the English doctor mutters to his Scottish colleague, "I see you saved the psychiatric ward for the last."

"Oh no," the Scottish doctor corrected him, "this is the serious Burns unit."

[poyntonshark]

[poyntonshark]

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face, and told her mother,
"Frankie Brown showed me his willy today in the playground!"
Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say,
"It reminded me of a peanut."
Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mum asked,
"Really small, was it?"
Sally replied,
"No, salty."
Mum fainted.

[Flumpty]

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?' The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.' The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket.
>Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?' 'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time..

' The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'
The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?' The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.

[poyntonshark]

I just found an origami porn channel.
Unfortunately, it's paper view only.

[Flumpty]

So, a young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?”
The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum cleaner salesman back in North Dakota."
Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but the kid got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.

"How many customers bought something from you today?”
The young man frowns, looks at the floor and mutters, "One”.
The boss says "Just one?!? Our sales people average to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our employees in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son.”
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, and the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "OK, so how much was your one sale for?”
The kid looks up at his boss and says "$168,237.65".

The boss, astonished, says “$168,237.65?! What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. But he had no gear, I sold him a fancy new fishing rod and reel to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat and we went down to the boat department where I sold him a 26 foot fishing boat with twin 250 horsepower outboard motors. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him a big ole 4x4 Expedition SUV."

The boss said "That’s UNBELIEVABLE. A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a FISHING TACKLE, a BOAT and a TRUCK totaling almost $170,000?!?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.”

[poyntonshark]

A farmer goes out and buys a new, young cockerel.
As soon as he brings him home, the young cockerel rushes around and shags all 150 of the farmer's hens.
The farmer is impressed.
At lunchtime, the young cockerel shags all 150 hens again.
The farmer is not just impressed anymore, he is worried.
The next morning, not only is the cockerel shagging the hens but he is shagging the turkeys, ducks even the cow.
Now the farmer is really worried but doesn't know what to do.
Later in the afternoon the farmer looks out into the yard and sees the cockerel stretched out, limp as a rag, his eyes closed, dead and vultures circling overhead.
The farmer runs out, looks down at the young cockerel's limp body and says: "You deserved that, you horny bastard!"
And the young cockerel opens one eye, points up at the vultures with his wing, and says, "Shhhh!, they are about to land."

[Flumpty]

Boys weekend away

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect boys-out trip.

Two days before the group is to leave, Rob’s wife puts her foot down and tells him he is not going.

Rob’s friends were very upset that he can’t go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking on the fire.

“Damn man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?”

“Well, I’ve been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said ‘guess who’?”

I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose petals all over. She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did.
And then she said, “now you can do what ever you want.”

So here I am!!!

[poyntonshark]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."

[Flumpty]

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.

The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.
Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."
"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."
The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.
"Yes ?" said the Instructor.
"I was just wondering if it would be all right, if she carries a golf bag while we walk ?"

[poyntonshark]

A man is flying in a hot-air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man below. He lowers the balloon farther and shouts, "Excuse me! Can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot-air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.

"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."

The man below says, "You must be in management."

"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

[Flumpty]

Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."

"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.

"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."

"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."

Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00."