[poyntonshark]

A guy is at the doctor, suffering from erectile disfunction.
The doctor explains that this is a very rare condition, and has only one possible cure. That cure is both unorthodox and risky. He goes on to explain; "The procedure involves grafting tissue from an elephant's trunk onto your manhood."

The man is horrified by the prospect of never again being able to make love, so he hastily agrees to the procedure.

A few months later the man is on his first date after his unusual surgery and is feeling more than a little nervous, seated across from a beautiful woman at a fancy restaurant. They haven't been seated for more than a couple of minutes when he feels a strange sensation in his lap. He soon realises that his penis is straining to be released from his fly. After no more than a few seconds the pressure becomes too great and he has no option but to undo the zipper. No sooner has he done so than his penis reaches up onto the table, grabs a roll from the bread basket and disappears back into his trousers.

His companion's eyes are open wide as she stares at him. His eyes too are stretched wide and he has a stunned expression on his face.

"Errrrr... Could you do that again?" She asks.

"I.....I think so" says the man very slowly. "But I'm really not sure I can get another dinner roll up my arse!!!"

[Flumpty]

A lorry driver was on his way home down a country lane when he saw a nun walking along the road. It was raining and the lorry driver knew it was quite some way to the convent, so stopped to give her a lift. The nun was so grateful for the lift and the lorry driver's kindness she asked him how much she owed him for the lift.
The lorry driver replied that most girls he gave lifts to paid him in kind, so he had no idea how much the lift was worth, but obviously as she was a nun he would not expect her to pay him in kind or accept any money from her, he was just pleased to do a good turn. The nun replied that if other girls paid him in kind she would too. He insisted this was not necessary, she insisted it was. The conversation continued in this vein for some time until the lorry driver agreed that if it made her feel better, then yes, she could pay him in kind as after all it was not worth arguing over. Now it just happened that there was a layby just before the entrance to the convent, so the lorry driver pulled in and the nun paid him in kind.
The lorry driver dropped her off at the entrance to the convent and as the nun was walking up the driveway, she was overcome with guilt at what she had done and decided that she would have to confess to Mother Superior. So she went to Mother Superior's room and confessed everything. The nun was expecting a right telling off, but Mother Superior listened quietly and after a pause said. My dear you have sinned, but as you have confessed God will forgive you, but to make sure of forgiveness I want you to take this plateful of lemons to your room, cut them into quarters and suck every last drop of juice from them. Once you have done this God will be sure to forgive.

The nun quietly took the bowl of lemons and walked to the door, when she turned to Mother Superior and said 'I just have one question'. Mother Superior, 'Yes my dear'. Nun, 'Will sucking all the juice from these lemons stop my from getting pregnant' Mother Superior 'No my dear, they will not stop you from becoming pregnant but they will take that silly satisfied smile off your face'

[patgadd]

The novice nun was tending the fields when the crows started to annoy her. In her anger she cried out "F*** off!" and was duly reported to the Mother Superior.

The Mother Superior admonished her. "There's no need to talk like that", she said, "Just say "shoo, shoo". They'll soon f*** off!"

[Flumpty]

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell t he kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.

Well, he said, "It’s what mommy calls me sometimes".

The little girl screams to her brother

"Don't eat it, it's an arsehole!!!!!"

[poyntonshark]

After 15 years of marriage, Joe has turned into a slob, become completely inattentive to his wife and spend his days sprawled on the couch guzzling beer and watching TV. Wendy was becoming dismayed, because, no matter how much effort she put into attracting Joe's attention, he simply shrugged her off. This pattern continued for several months and Wendy became increasingly frustrated and bored.
One day, whilst out shopping, Wendy passed a pet shop. In the window, she saw an unusual bird, it was big and ugly with a hairy chest, powerful, hairy legs, long, curved talons, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its large, heavy beak. She couldn't help herself, she had to go in and take a close look. The shopkeeper noticed her fascination with the creature and approached.
"That's a Goony bird" he told her.
"Imported from Madagascar, apart from his appearance, he has a very peculiar trait" he continued.
To demonstrate he announced "Goony bird, the table!"
Immediately the gruesome creature flew over to the table and with frightening, single-minded fury attacked it, smashing it into tiny pieces with crushing blows from it's beak and talons. The shopkeeper wasn't finished.
"Goony bird, the shelf" he proclaimed.
The full force of the bird's ferocity was turned to the shelf, it was shredded in seconds.

"That's magnificent", Wendy exclaimed. "If that doesn't get Joe's attention, nothing will" She bought the Goony bird and took him home.

She got to the house and Joe was in his usual position on the couch watching the game.

"Honey, I've got a surprise for you" Wendy announced, excitedly. "It's a Goony bird"

Joe, barely managed to divert his attention from the TV, in his usual bored, disaffected tone replied.....................
.
.
.
.
.
"Goony bird, my arse!"

[Flumpty]

David Cameron asked the Queen, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient organisation? Are there any tips you can give me?"
"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
David Cameron then asked, "but how do I know if the people around me are really intelligent?"
The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle. Watch me and listen.
The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Prince Charles in here, would you?"
Prince Charles walked into the room and said, "Yes, Mother"?
The Queen smiled and said to Charles, "answer me this please Charles. Your mother and father have a child, it is not your brother and it is not your sister.
Who is it?" Without pausing for a moment, Prince Charles answered "that would be me."
"Yes, very good," said the Queen!
"Ah ha I get it", said David, "thank you Ma'am." In a great rush he left.
Cameron went back to Parliament and decided to ask Nick Clegg the same question. "Nick, answer this for me.
Your mother and your father have a child, it's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," said Clegg. So in true Nick Clegg style he went on to say. "Let me get back to you on that one."
Clegg then went to his advisers and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer. Frustrated, Nick went to the men's
lavatory where he happened upon Nigel Farage. "Nigel, see if you can answer this question." "Your mother and father have a child
and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Nigel Farage immediately answered, "that's easy, it's me!"
Clegg grinned and said, "good answer Nigel, I see it all now!"
Clegg then went back to find Cameron and said to him; "David, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle.
"If your mother and father have a child who is not your brother or your sister, the child is Nigel Farage!"
Cameron went red in the face, got up, stomped over to Clegg and yelled into his face, "NO You bloody idiot! ..... It's Prince Charles!"
AND THAT IS WHY UKIP IS DOING SO WELL!

[patgadd]

An old one, but one of my all-time favourites:

He was unemployed and desperate for a job when he saw a poster advertising the imminent arrival of the circus. This was surely his chance, and he went out to meet the ringmaster. “There must be some kind of work for a willing person; a roustabout or anything”.

The ringmaster was genuinely sorry. “We have all the workers we need, son. Unless of course…”
“Go on!”
“Well, the lion tamer has called in sick…”
“What do I have to do?”
“It’s a lot easier than it looks, actually. The lion is completely tame, and knows what to do. You have a whip and a chair, and you just shake them. The lion will follow its routine till the end”
“And if it doesn’t?” What if it gets nasty?”
The ringmaster smiled. “You just crack the whip and he’ll jump straight on to his stool”.
“Yes, but it just might make him more angry”.
“Then hit him with the whip”.
“He could easily knock the whip out of my hand and start snarling and roaring”.
“Chuck the chair at his face; that’s what it’s for”.
The man thought for a minute, then said: ”Hang on; I’m now stuck defenceless in a cage with an enraged lion who’s just been made even angrier by having a chair thrown at him, and he’s roaring his head off and about to eat me for lunch. What now?”
The ringmaster’s face spread into a slow smile as he gently explained. “The time has come for you to learn one of the circus’s oldest secrets. You just pick up a piece of shit from the floor and rub it in the lion’s face. He’ll lie down immediately, guaranteed.”

“Will there be shit on the floor?”


“Are you kidding?”

[ShawShark]

Sad news from the Nestle factory !

A man has died after hundreds of boxes of chocolate bars fell on top of him

Unfortunately every time he shouted "the Milky Bars are on me" ... everyone just cheered

[SSR]

Apologies for the age of this one ...

A man walks into a pub with a large box and puts it on the bar.
The barman comes over and seeing that the man looks crestfallen asks
him whats the matter.
The man tells him his story.
"I was walking along the canal, when I saw an old woman struggling in the water.
I jumped in and pulled her to the side.
The old lady was extremely grateful, she said she was a witch and I could have a free wish"
He then took the lid off the box.
Inside was a small man in a dress suit, seated at a miniature grand piano "
The barman looked in and was amazed.
"That's incredible, but why are you so sad?" he said.
The man looked at him and replied
"I think the old crone must have been a bit deaf, who wants a 12" pianist".

[Flumpty]

A farmer went to a local bar and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman sitting next to him said, 'How about that? I just ordered champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.'

This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.'

'What a coincidence!' said the farmer. As they clinked glasses he added: 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and all last year my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying eggs again.'

'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different c**k,' he replied.

The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said 'what a coincidence'!

[poyntonshark]

I accidentally filled the Escort with Diesel.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
She died.

[Flumpty]

A man is alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides, because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty stewardess.
So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto :

'To Fly. To Serve'.

The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto:


'Winning the hearts of the world'.

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
Undetered, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto:

'Going beyond expectations'.

The woman looks at him sternly and says:

'What the f*** do you want?'

'Ah ha!' he says

"Ryanair".

[poyntonshark]

An oldie but goodie

A penguin takes his car to the shop and the mechanic says it'll take about an hour for him to check it. While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. The penguin isn't the neatest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream. When he returns to the shop, the mechanic takes one look at him and says, "Looks like you blew a seal."
"No," the penguin insists,.................."it's just ice cream."

[SSR]

In the same vein, another old favourite.

A lad walks into a bar with a large grin on his face and orders a double whisky.
The barman asks if he is celebrating.
"Yes" says the lad, " I've just had my first blow job."
"Congratulations", says the barman "Have a pint on me".
"Thanks" says the lad, "but the whisky takes away the taste".

[Flumpty]

During a commercial airline flight an off duty pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms.
When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began breastfeeding the infant as discreetly as possible.


The pilot pretended not to notice, and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items. When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "that's a good looking baby, and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that a paediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The pilot sadly shook his head, and exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been sucking barley sugars."

[poyntonshark]

Little Johnny and the rest of his family were driving behind the bin truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windshield. Embarrassed, and trying to spare her young son's innocence, Johnny's mum turns around and says, "Don't worry, dear. That was just an insect."
"Wow," Johnny replies. "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"

[poyntonshark]

A topical one

One sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears. Personally, I think it’s b***ocks.

[Flumpty]

I met an older woman at a bar last night.
She looked pretty good for a 60+year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.
We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double?
'What's that? I asked
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.'
We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night.'
We went back to her place.
We walked in.
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mum...you still awake?'

[SSR]

Another from the archives...

I was sitting smugly in the Breakfast Bar at the Honeymoon Hotel.
There were many other young couples seated at tables basking in the
satisfaction of the previous night.
My eye was caught by one young man sitting on his own looking totally depressed.
Bouyed by my recently acquired confidence I decided to go over.
I got chatting and he confessed that his marital night had been a disaster.
His new wife had found the act too uncomfortable.
I immediately thought that lubrication was the solution and offered my thoughts.
"You should do what I do, soak your member in a cup of baby oil, problem solved".
He looked at me sadly and said in an incredulous voice
"You can fit yours into a cup? "
I left promptly.

[Flumpty]

The Dark Side Of Women.................................
A woman was in town on a shopping trip.
She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second.
In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50% then her mobile phone rang.
It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU..
The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.
As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.
She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.
Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.


She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!
While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take!
For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And YOU will now be his carer!'

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed..

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg.. He's dead. Show me what you bought.'

[SSR]

Shameless stereotyping this one.

On board an airliner mid Atlantic, the pilot gives an
announcement over the tannoy.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry to tell you that we have had a catastrophic
loss of fuel. We will crash in approximately 5 mins.
We are all certain to die, so I advise you to make piece with your maker and prepare
for the inevitable."
There is a stunned silence then panic.
A stewardess stands up and runs along the aisle.
" I need a real man. Now!" she shouts.
A Yorshireman stands up at the back. With one large hand he rips off his shirt.
Throwing it at the stewardess he says in a low deep voice
" Woman , ..........................
Iron that shirt ! "

[Flumpty]

Shameless stereotyping this one.

On board an airliner mid Atlantic, the pilot gives an
announcement over the tannoy.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry to tell you that we have had a catastrophic
loss of fuel. We will crash in approximately 5 mins.
We are all certain to die, so I advise you to make piece with your maker and prepare
for the inevitable."
There is a stunned silence then panic.
A stewardess stands up and runs along the aisle.
" I need a real man. Now!" she shouts.
A Yorshireman stands up at the back. With one large hand he rips off his shirt.
Throwing it at the stewardess he says in a low deep voice
" Woman , ..........................
Iron that shirt ! "

Was it this airline ?

[Flumpty]

Sexual Harassment

Every day, a male employee walks up very close to a
female co-worker at the coffee machine. He stops,
inhales quite deeply and says that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, the woman can't stand it anymore.
She takes her issue to a supervisor in Human Resources
and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against the guy.

The supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's threatening about
a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

"It's Frank, The midget."















.....................Flumpty quickly leaves the room.

[poyntonshark]

A husband and wife are having issues in the bedroom. The wife can't orgasm because it's too damn hot.

They see a sex therapist, and he recommends that they have a constant supply of cool air in the bedroom, so the man asks his best friend to waft a towel while he and his wife make love.

Begrudgingly, the friend submits and says yes.

After 20 minutes of lovemaking, the woman is no closer to orgasm, so the friend wafting the towel recommends that they switch places. So the friend is now having sex with the woman while the husband wafts the towel.

After two minutes, the woman starts to tremble and lets out an incredible cry as she reaches the most intense orgasm she has ever had.

The husband looks at his friend, and proudly proclaims, "Now that, my friend, is how you waft a fucking towel."

[TeflonTed]

Michael & Percy

Michael and Percy are old friends. Closely bonded by their respective disabilities. Percy has twisted and deformed legs from a childhood illness, Michael has a dreadful stutter.

Reading the paper in the cafe, Percy says “Hey look Mike, there’s a faith healer coming to town, he cures all sorts of afflictions by the power of prayer, and he gets great comments, it really really works!

They go to the meeting, in the town hall, thousands of people there.

They are both chosen to receive the healer’s blessing, and make their way to the stage, Percy stumbling down the aisle on his sticks, Michael repeatedly stuttering out his tha-aa-aa-aa-nn-kk-kks for being chosen.

The healer sends them behind a screen, to receive their blessings in the sanctity and privacy of his “faith chapel”.

He winds the crowd up with shouted exhortations for “the mystical powers above” to cure them….to make Michael speak normally, and to allow Percy to walk and run.

After 15 minutes or so of Hallelujahs and Praises, the healer holds his hands up to quiet the crowd……He shouts, “Percy, throw away your sticks, and stand proud and free!!”………

Seconds pause…then BANG, BANG, Percy’s crutches come flying over the screen…… The Crowd Roars in Approval……

Another pause….the healer shouts “ Michael….speak to us”…..

Another dramatic pause, the audience holds its breath…….

The Michael shouts loudly…..

P-P-P-ERCY’S FU-FU-FU-CK-ING FALLEN O-O-OVER.

[Flumpty]

Barrack Obama was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped,
fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled
him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, 'I want to go to Disney World & Barrack said, 'No problem,
I'll take you there on Air Force One.'

The second kid said, 'I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan shoes. Barrack said,
'I'll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign them.'

The third kid said, ' I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo
headset.'

Barrack was a little perplexed by this and said, 'But you don't look like you're
handicapped.

The kid said, 'I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning.

[poyntonshark]

A young secretary, gets twelve red roses delivered to her desk. Noticing this, another older female co-worker says " Aren't those beautiful! Your boyfriend is SO sweet to send those to you."
The younger girl groans her reply "Yeah, but you know what this means? It means I'll be spending the next 3 DAYS on my back, with my legs in the air."
Her co-worker gives her a quizzical look and says " Why, dearie...haven't you got a vase?"

[Flumpty]

Nicola Sturgeon is touring Perthshire in the First Ministers chauffeur driven car.
Suddenly a cow jumps out into the road. They hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.
Nicola in her usual jaunty manner, says to the chauffeur : " You get out and check - you were driving." The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.
"You were driving, go and tell the farmer," says Nicola, I cant afford to be blamed for anything.
The chauffeur walks up the drive to the farmhouse and returns five hours later totally plastered, his hair ruffled and with a big grin on his face.
"My God, what happened to you ?" asks Nicola.
The chauffeur replies : " When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap - up meal and the daughter made love to me."
"What on earth did you say?" asks Nicola.
"I knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said to them, I'm Nicola Sturgeons chauffeur and I've just killed the cow!!!!"

[patgadd]

My cousin Rueben drowned at sea, We gave him a lovely funeral; there was a whip round for a special tribute, and we bought a large lifebelt.

It's what he would have wanted.

[Flumpty]

[poyntonshark]

A Native American chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant.
The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated that he built her a teepee made of deer hide.
A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide.
The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred.

Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys.
"Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?"

The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."

[Flumpty]

Funeral for a Homeless Man
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for over twenty years."

[poyntonshark]

A woman places an ad in the local newspaper:

Looking for a man with three qualifications:
1). Won’t beat me up.
2). Won’t run away from me
3). Is great in bed.

Two days later her doorbell rings. “Hi, I’m Tim. I have no arms so I won’t beat you, and no legs so I won't run away.”
“What makes you think you are great in bed?” the woman retorts.
Tim replies, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”

[patgadd]

I narrowly missed a blue at Cambridge.

It was nestling just behind the yellow.

[Flumpty]

Drinking
A cowboy, who is visiting Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, 'You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.'
The cowboy replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.'
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.'
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
'Oh, no, everybody's just fine ,' he explains, 'It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.'
'Hasn't affected my brothers though.'

[poyntonshark]

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"
When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April.
The teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour,"
But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April.
The teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.
This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!".
The Teacher fainted.

[Flumpty]

A tough old sheep farmer from Scotland gave some good advice to his granddaughter.

He told her that the secret to a long life was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder onto her porridge every morning.

The grand daughter followed this dictum religiously until her death at the venerable age of 103.

She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great grandchildren,
25 great great grandchildren and a forty foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

[Flumpty]

Harder than it looks, ain't it fuck face ?

[Flumpty]

A guy is driving around the hinterland of Cumbria and he sees a sign in front of a broken down house: 'Talking Dog For Sale '
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Aye,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so... I joined MI6.
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'
'I got married, met a lovely bitch & we had 5 puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten quid,' the guy says.!!

'Ten quid? This dog is amazing! He has been a Spy, done things that everyday People Read About So Why on earth are you Selling him so Cheap?' ......










'Because he's a Bullsh#tter. He's never been out of the Yard'

[SSR]

This is better with actions but here goes...

A man goes to the Doctor and sits down for a consultation.

" What seems to be the trouble asks the Doctor? ".
The man mimes a very sore throat.

The Doctor checks his throat and asks how he is eating and drinking.
Again, the man mimes his difficulty in swallowing anything.

"Well, " says the Doctor , " your throat is very swollen and I assume you are not eating
or drinking. This is quite a serious problem and your throat could close completely.
We need to try to reduce the swelling and in the meantime we need to get some nourishment
into you."

He explains that there are basically two options. Intra-venous feeding or intra-anal feeding."

The man looked horrified and gesticulates wildly that he does not want any injections.

"OK." says the Doctor. I will give you a prescription for antibiotic suppositories and some
especially formulated foodstufs with instructions for use.
See how you get on and come back in a week."

The man waves his thanks and leaves.

A week later there is knock on the Surgery door and the man enters. He proceeds to gyrate, bob
and squirm his way across the room and sits down.

"How are you today?" asked the Doctor.

"Much better, thank you" croaks the man in a whisper.

"Good" said the Doctor.

"We will continue the treatment for another week and see you again to check progress.
By the way, what is it with the funny walk?"

"Oh, nothing serious," replies the man " just chewing a toffee ! "

[Flumpty]

Little Kenny

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence, and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'
She calls on little Kenny Lane .
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'


The teacher replies , 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'


Then little Kenny Lane says, 'I have a question for YOU Miss Rogers'.


There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking on the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'


The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'


To which Little Kenny replies, 'The correct answer is 'The one with the wedding-ring on, 'but I like your thinking.'

[poyntonshark]

Bill and Marge were approaching their 50th wedding anniversary. To celebrate, Marge decided she would cook a big dinner for Bill. Then Bill said they should do what they did on their wedding night, and eat at the dinner table naked. Marge agreed. On their anniversary night, at the table, Marge says, "Honey, my nipples are as hot for you as they were 50 years ago."
The man replies, "Yes Marge, but this time it's because they are sitting in your soup."


Oh and by the way, I call repetition - poyntonshark @ Joke of the day thread - warning Adult humour

[Flumpty]

Oh and by the way, I call repetition - poyntonshark @ Joke of the day thread - warning Adult humour

My plea is guilty and I throw myself to the mercy of the Court

[Flumpty]

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After awhile, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him.
One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"
Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here."
"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him."
God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"
Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

[poyntonshark]

A blind man enters a bar and find his way to a barstool.
After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender,

“Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”

The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice,the woman next to him says,

“Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What’s more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and he’s a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?”

The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

[Flumpty]

A statistician often declared he would never fly on a commercial airplane. Asked why he explained that he had analysed the probability of a bomb being on his flight - well, the risk was small but significant enough to deter him from flying.

One day a colleague met him coming from the airport, bag in hand.

'I thought you said you'd never fly!' he exclaimed.

The statistician smiled; 'Ah! I redid my sums,' he said. 'I worked out the probability of two bombs being on the same flight and it was vanishingly small.'

He held up his bag. 'I have the other bomb here, with me.'

[Flumpty]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his:
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out. "Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said. "Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked. “What’s your Business at this convention?"
“Lecturer." She responded. "I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
“Really?” He said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well.” She explained. “One popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. "I’m Sorry." She said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name."
"Tonto." The man said. "Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba." ...........